Getting engaged made me realize how much attention we give to planning a wedding and how little we often give to preparing for the marriage itself. As both a psychologist and someone who recently got engaged, I found myself reflecting on the conversations that help couples better understand one another before building a future together.
Beyond the Wedding Day
The more I reflected on it, the more wedding planning and preparation for marriage itself felt disproportionate, considering the significance of marriage and spending a lifetime together.
The questions below are not designed to test your relationship or determine whether you should get married. Instead, they are intended to encourage honest conversations that help you better understand one another before saying “I do.”
From both my personal and professional experience, I have noticed that disappointment, misunderstanding, and loneliness often arise not because partners have different expectations, but because those expectations were never discussed in the first place.
Building the Foundation
- Definition of Marriage
What does marriage actually mean to each of you?
Not the wedding. The marriage.
What does that definition look like in everyday life?
- Legal Aspects
Assuming you’re planning a legal marriage, have you discussed the legal implications?
- Prenuptial agreement
- Family name
- Inheritance
- Financial responsibilities
- Other legal arrangements
- Shared Vision
What kind of future are you trying to build together?
Where do you see yourselves in one, five, or ten years or even further into the future?
Building a Family
- Religious, Spiritual & Cultural Aspects
Have you discussed your religious, spiritual, and cultural beliefs?
What do these topics mean to each of you?
Are you on the same page?
If not, what does that mean for your relationship?
What role would these beliefs play if you decide to have children?
- Family Planning
Have you discussed what family means to each of you?
Do you want to have children?
If yes, when?
How many?
- Parenting
Have you talked about how conceiving, pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood might look for you?
How do you imagine sharing the emotional, practical, financial, and time-related responsibilities of parenthood?
How would you support each other through each stage of building a family?
Navigating Life Together
- Parenting Challenges
Have you discussed how you would navigate the challenges of planning a family and parenthood?
How would you approach fertility challenges, adoption, or choosing not to have children?
How would you balance your relationship, careers, and family life?
What if you disagree about parenting decisions?
How would you support each other through the emotional, practical, and financial challenges of raising children?
- Unexpected Situations
Have you discussed what happens if life doesn’t go according to plan?
How would you navigate serious illness, financial difficulties, job loss, or caring for ageing parents?
What if one of you changes your mind about an important life decision?
How would you approach those moments together?
- Difficult Conversations
What conversations have you been postponing because they are uncomfortable or avoiding altogether?
What expectations about marriage have you never actually said out loud?
What assumptions are you making that you’ve never discussed?
Marriage or Long-Term Relationships
There is no perfect checklist for a successful marriage/ long-term relationship.
Some couples naturally have these conversations throughout their relationship. Others discover these topics only when life places them in front of them. Neither approach is inherently right or wrong.
However, taking the time to openly discuss your expectations, values, fears, and hopes before they are tested by real life can help you better understand one another and prepare for the future you are building together.
And even if marriage is not part of your plans, these questions can be just as valuable if you are building a committed, long-term future together.
I hope these questions become the beginning of many meaningful conversations for you.
Are You Looking for Additional Support?
If you would like to explore these topics further, gain greater clarity before taking the next step, or simply have a dedicated space to reflect on your relationship, I offer individual psychological counselling and coaching online in both English and Polish.
To book a session, simply complete the contact form on the website or email me directly at:
Don’t hesitate to reach out and take the first step toward a more productive life and simply…
allow yourself to flourish
Dr. Hiacynta Warsicka
Psychologist | Researcher | ICF-Certified Coach
